I am an Australian man. I have been ever since I turned 18, when I went to the pub and poisoned my liver with my mates, sang 80s rock songs, had an up-and-under and got kicked out of another pub at 2:30 am. I was wearing jeans, a polo shirt, and I drank beer.

But on the question of “What does it mean to be an Australian man”, I didn’t know what to write.

Do I say it’s a requirement of manhood in this Great Southern Land that one must consume his body weight in fermented hops and malt?

Or do I try to make the Prime Minister proud and wax lyrical about ‘mateship’? Isn’t Gallipoli some place in Turkey?

Is it sensitivity and respect for women? HaHa, nah, it’s not that.

Is it something to do with footy? The Don didn’t play footy; maybe it’s sport in general. But not all sports – those soccer players are “sheilas, wogs and poofters”. Hang on… Johnny Warren was a great bloke; maybe it is all sports.

So I did what any Generation Y member does when confused about the world; I googled it. “Australian Men” – search.

The Australian Men’s Party? Are they a political party less relevant than the Democrats?

According to my results, an Australian man is either struggling for men’s equality, concerned with health issues, gay, in crisis, gay, loved by American women, gay, or courageous and wise.
So google hardly helped.

The Australian Men’s Party website did shed some light on the dank world of the Australian Man (even if they believe the light in question shines from the Australian Man).

Humour. That is what is fundamental to the make up of an Australian man. The ability to have the piss taken out of you, laugh it off, and then proceed to extract the urine out of your mates.

If you wear a pink shirt, no matter how much women like it, you’d better be prepared for oft-personal verbal harassment.

If one decides to go home early, you are, from here on in, a “piker”, “softie” or worst of all “girl”.

You’d better not be caught watching Idol, Big Brother or Home and Away either (unless it’s in admiration of Alf Stewart).

Sing along to Beyoncé at your peril.

Maybe that’s why us Aussie blokes drink so much beer. It’s the only way we stay alive when everyday, our mates remove so much liquid.