The Cecil Synopsis - The Measure of a Man

Dolly Magazine made me the man I am today.

It was back in the winter of 89, I was a manically horny teenager in search of some inspiration for my next wank. In a covert mission to my sister’s bedroom (don’t be filthy, we didn’t live in Tasmania), I managed to smuggle out her latest edition of the Dolly Magazine.

Now you can’t tell me that the editors of this magazine were not aware that they had a significant teenage brother readership. Why, I am sure part of their job description was to groom this secret society into a magazine addiction with each issue’s collection of swimsuit model centrefolds procuring future sales in their company’s collection of male magazines. They were also well aware that the early teenage years are a crucial time in the development of fine motor skills - such as the ability to hold a magazine in one hand and a penis in the other.

So with the magazine smuggled into my possession, I delved into the sealed section where I was to find the article that changed my life forever: “Does he measure up?” It was located between the articles ‘Know your Vagina’ (that contained a labelled cartoon) and the infamous Dolly Doctor page (Dear Dolly Doctor, I have a friend who is 13 and hasn’t had her periods. Is she normal?; Dear Dolly Doctor, I have a friend whose mother doesn’t allow her to shave her legs. Should she steal her father’s razor and do it herself?; Dear Dolly Doctor, I have a friend whose Dolly Magazine pages keep getting stuck together – that’s funny, that girl has the same name as my sister).

I believe that this ‘measuring up’ article was directly intended for their secretive clan of male readers. Call me old fashioned if you will, but I am sure that even the most promiscuous 11 year old girl will have no real use for this article and its accompanying sidebar ruler marking out the average penile lengths for the range of nationalities along its axis. However, for the teenage boy who has already worked himself into a state of excitement over the cartoon vagina on the previous page it was definitely an invitation to a challenge.

Apparently, the average length for an erect Caucasian male penis is 13 centimetres. Whilst this mark may be less than half a page in distance, for this young boy on the cusp of manhood it was as important as Bob Beaumont’s world record long jump. Would I measure up to be a real man? Will my member provide adequate clitoral stimulation for my future lovers? Can I ever wear lycra pants again?

Measuring your penis is like a cross between long and high jump. Rather than throwing your whole body horizontally, you just stretch out the bar as far as it will go. However, as with many athletic endeavours there was some conjecture as to the recording of my results. When measuring a penis, should you take your measurements from the underside or the overside of the shaft. Personally, I favour the bottom because if I squeezed really hard I could manage to stretch my penis that extra 0.2cms that gave me the grand total of 13.1cms – which means that I am officially above average.

Why that extra millimetre certainly did wonders for my confidence. There was no teenage angst for me. I was too busy striding up and down the beach in my Speedos modelling my marvellous phallus. It’s hard to get caught up in the petty issues of youth when you are a certified ‘donkey - boy’.

But whatever happened to those poor souls who didn’t measure up? Who lingered in the 12.9cm or less bracket? Did they spend their lives hiding in shame, too afraid to use urinals for fear of ridicule? Were they unable to feel the delight of Lycra cuddling at their codules? Did they ever hit the G spot?

Not a day goes by where I don’t thank Dolly for helping me to measure up.

Your (engorged) mature-age correspondent

Cecil